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Facing rejection, notably when it recurs often, is anything but enjoyable. Someone is turning you down, giving a definite “Nope.” Working in writing, I am familiar with setbacks. I commenced pitching articles 50 years back, upon finishing university. From that point, I have had multiple books declined, along with book ideas and many pieces. During the recent 20 years, specializing in personal essays, the rejections have only increased. In a typical week, I receive a rejection every few days—adding up to more than 100 times a year. Overall, rejections over my career exceed a thousand. By now, I might as well have a PhD in handling no’s.

However, is this a woe-is-me tirade? Absolutely not. Because, at last, at the age of 73, I have embraced rejection.

In What Way Have I Accomplished It?

A bit of background: By this stage, just about everyone and their relatives has said no. I’ve never kept score my success rate—it would be quite demoralizing.

For example: recently, an editor turned down 20 pieces consecutively before saying yes to one. In 2016, at least 50 editors vetoed my book idea before a single one accepted it. Later on, 25 agents declined a book pitch. One editor requested that I send my work less often.

The Seven Stages of Setback

In my 20s, all rejections stung. I took them personally. I believed my writing was being turned down, but who I am.

As soon as a submission was rejected, I would begin the process of setback:

• Initially, disbelief. What went wrong? Why would editors be blind to my ability?
• Next, refusal to accept. Certainly it’s the wrong person? It has to be an administrative error.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What can they know? Who appointed you to judge on my efforts? They’re foolish and their outlet is subpar. I reject your rejection.
• Fourth, frustration at those who rejected me, then frustration with me. Why do I put myself through this? Could I be a martyr?
• Fifth, pleading (often mixed with delusion). How can I convince you to acknowledge me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Then, depression. I’m no good. Worse, I’ll never be successful.

So it went for decades.

Excellent Company

Certainly, I was in good fellowship. Stories of writers whose manuscripts was initially turned down are legion. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. The novelist of Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each famous writer was originally turned down. Because they managed to persevere, then maybe I could, too. The basketball legend was not selected for his youth squad. The majority of US presidents over the recent history had earlier failed in campaigns. Sylvester Stallone says that his movie pitch and attempt to star were declined 1,500 times. He said rejection as an alarm to rouse me and get going, instead of giving up,” he has said.

The Final Phase

Later, as I reached my 60s and 70s, I reached the last step of setback. Peace. Now, I better understand the many reasons why someone says no. Firstly, an editor may have just published a similar piece, or be planning one underway, or just be contemplating a similar topic for someone else.

Alternatively, less promisingly, my idea is of limited interest. Or maybe the evaluator believes I don’t have the experience or stature to be suitable. Or is no longer in the business for the content I am peddling. Maybe was too distracted and reviewed my submission too quickly to see its value.

Go ahead call it an realization. Everything can be turned down, and for any reason, and there is virtually not much you can do about it. Some reasons for denial are forever not up to you.

Within Control

Some aspects are your fault. Honestly, my pitches and submissions may from time to time be ill-conceived. They may lack relevance and appeal, or the message I am attempting to convey is insufficiently dramatised. Or I’m being obviously derivative. Or a part about my grammar, notably commas, was unacceptable.

The point is that, despite all my decades of effort and setbacks, I have succeeded in being widely published. I’ve published two books—the initial one when I was middle-aged, another, a autobiography, at older—and over 1,000 articles. Those pieces have featured in newspapers large and small, in regional, worldwide platforms. My debut commentary appeared decades ago—and I have now written to that publication for five decades.

Still, no blockbusters, no signings in bookshops, no features on popular shows, no presentations, no honors, no Pulitzers, no Nobel, and no Presidential Medal. But I can more readily take no at 73, because my, humble achievements have softened the blows of my frequent denials. I can choose to be thoughtful about it all at this point.

Instructive Setbacks

Rejection can be educational, but provided that you heed what it’s attempting to show. Otherwise, you will likely just keep interpreting no’s incorrectly. What insights have I acquired?

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